This is a post I’ve had in draft form for a while…sitting….
gathering dust as I try and figured the right way to full articulate what I’ve
had on my mind in the last 12 months and the best way to express the amazing
feelings I’ve had.
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| Me with my Mum, Brothers and Sisters (2016) |
The wild ride of 2015-2016 saw my biggest growth not just as
a person but also online and I wanted to share a bit of that with you, as I
know many of you only get to see my ‘pinup persona’ through social media. For
those who don’t know: I’m the eldest daughter in a family of 5 kids. We’re a
mixed family (I have 4 siblings: 2 half-brothers and 2 half-sisters, with 2 brother
and sister duos coming two the same dad. I’m the lone wolf, the only one to my
father) ranging from 5 years old upto myself at 26. I also have a background of
aboriginality, though my german/dutch father means I am white passing, unlike
some of my other family members. Growing up I never went without though my
family was not well off. I was raised by a headstrong woman who now as an
adult I know did the best she could to bring me up in climates that were often
chaotic and difficult, though they definitely helped shape me into the woman I
am today. I went to a lot of different schools as a kid due to my parent’s work
commitments and that lead to me finding it hard to mark long term friends. By
the time high school hit I was quite studious too which impacted some social
connections even more. I always felt like ‘the new kid’ and just as I began to lose
that stigma, I was moved again. I do believe it’s this moving around a lot,
coupled with other significant events in my teens that I won’t mention in this post,
which have caused me as an adult to feel rather isolated social and to struggle
with social anxiety after high school as I entered adult hood. People can be intimidating
to me. I am fully aware I can struggle to maintain social connections,
especially when I’m super busy. I am pretty self-sufficient and need my own
company to recharge after social events, though I do love sharing company with
similar passions. In high school, I had my group of friends but I still never
quite felt like I fit and I certainly wasn’t really ‘known’ by a lot of people,
in the scene of being ‘popular’, that was certainly never me. This is by no
means a poor me kind of post though, knowing where I come from is important to
help share what I’m feeling now.
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| Me in early high school |
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| My outfit for my 21st Birthday |
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| Out with friends at 21 |
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| 22 years old post workout |
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| Out to dinner with my ex in 2012 |
As I’ve said before, I started my online spaces as a weight
loss/fitblr style blog. I was a recovering binge eater. It became my world.
While I recovered from my binging habits in the early 2010s, I had very poor
self-image due to the environments I was exposed to had some very shallow
notions about body image, other people’s bodies/health and self love. I was
completely lost and floundering in my attempt to try and find myself. At the
time I was a complete ‘fashion tragic’. I admired the pinup girls I found online
and followed but didn’t feel good enough to embrace the style myself (something
I’m now aware I was definitely not alone in!). I bought my first pinup dress of ebay and
slowly began to experiment around age 22-23 from memory. As my interest grew, I
tried to learn more and in turn, I slowly began to grow too. While I was very
much still a ‘baby’ pinup, it gave me the confidence to question things I felt
where wrong in my relationship at the time. It helped me find my voice. It
helped me learn to stand up for myself, which lead to some big life changes,
namely the end of a toxic relationship and the beginning of a major period of
self growth.
Over the past few years in pinup I’ve modelled, been
published internationally and phased out old items in my wardrobe to now at 26
I wear pinup pretty much 98% of the time. I started a blog in 2014 to help
better answer a lot of the questions I got posed on social media platforms like
Instagram. I remember being so scared to start my blog. I didn’t feel good
enough to pinup blog. There were so many girls who were so amazing doing it.
But I did it anyway and over the past 18 months especially my blog and my
online following have snowballed, surpassing anything I certainly ever
anticipated when I started my social media spaces.
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| Baby Pinup 2013 |
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| 2014 |
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| 2015 |
Over the past 18 months especially I grew and learnt a
better place of self love and acceptance. I began to identify as an intersectional
feminist. I began to understand the struggles of those less entitled than
myself, magnified through being a white passing aboriginal woman in Australia
compared to others in my family. I’ve connected with some amazing women from
all walks of life (transwomen included) to better expand my understanding of
what I believe in and how it can impact others. I wanted to share my love of
corsets (something I’ve been somewhat obsessed with since living near a corsetry
at 10 years old) and my deepening love of foundations as a way of being not
only honest with women about my body (which isn’t ‘perfect’ by our narrow
minded society) but to also find a better place of body love within myself. This
growth especially has lead me to be a stronger woman with a stronger will, a
better sense of self and a deeper understanding of who I am. It also took me to
learning to look at myself as a whole person and embrace the negative sides of
who I am too, something I find society seems to ignore. No one is perfect and
we all have to have an internal balance of positive and negative traits, though
some definitely err on both. Accepting and growing within myself has helped me
be the happiest I’ve ever been. I have my own small business, being able to
blog like I am and fuelling that passion is an incredible feeling and I feel so
truly blessed for the opportunities life is throwing my way. Those who know me
behind the scenes know how hard I work at my blog and my business, how busy I
am with so much on my plate as well as a full time job, the high standards I
hold myself too and often my inability to ask for help when I probably should. I
am far from perfect and I am ok with this because really, no one is.
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| 2017 - Photo by Phil Ingram |
Now with my following growing, I began to find people could
pick me out at events or even when I was just out. I’ve had anonymous messages
via my tumblr telling me they saw me out at place X. I’ve introduced myself at events and person
has already known who I was. I’ve had people cry when meeting me and fangirl,
much to my confusion and in one case concern. I get so many amazing comments,
DM’s and emails from women, simply wanting to extend a message to express their
own feelings about how by simply sharing what I believe in and who I am, they’ve
been impacted positively in their own lives…these messages can simply leave me
speechless. It’s such an incredibly amazing…yet also foreign feeling that I
could impact someone like that. In reality, I still feel like the no body I was
in high school. I often feel lost when people know who I am when I introduce
myself. Social events and connecting with people is still a struggle and I still
find it so incredibly amazing that I am able to help empower and inspire other
women…simply by sharing on social media. It literally blows my mind and I guess
I still haven’t really ‘caught up with it all’ in my own head.
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| 2017 - Photo by Phil Ingram |
As someone with anxiety, I find social media a great forum
to share my (excuse my Bratz quote) “passion for fashion” as it gives me control
over when I connect. I mean I may seem confident online with connecting but you
should see me try and call my doctor to make an appointment over the phone…….disastrous!
….however I think people can often forget that behind the pretty pictures, pretty
hair….real people do exist. I am a real person. Something I do try and share
online as well as pretty content. I certainly don’t wake up look pinup pretty. I’m
not perfect. I wear corsets and foundation to achieve certain looks. I look
quite different without makeup and styled hair. Having a business based around
hand made products I’m normally in baggy trackies or shorts with a sports bra
around the house (doing everything but being active in my active wear) so I
keep my pinup clothes free of glue and unnecessary glitter. I have days when I
can’t be bothered. I’ve worked hard for
what I have, even though it’s not a lot and I’m proud of that. My life is far
from pinup perfect and I’m not perfect either.
Pinup for me and being able to share my love of it through
social media is literally changing my life. What that means for me yet I still
don’t know, though I’m grateful to be able to have the positive impact I have had
so far and I hope to be able to be able to keep doing what I’m doing. I wanted
to share as I know from a lot of publications and posts in the past 12 months
that a lot of new gals can feel intimidated by pinup and not feel ‘good enough’.
But really, we’re all just people. We all started as beginners and if the
people around you make you feel not good enough for anything they aren’t the
kind of people you want to be around. Pinup for me is fun and bright and being
able to visually show my moods, my interests and my personality. There is no
wrong way to do that, at least not to me. Its a medium to grow and blossom for me and I love I have that opportunity.
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| 2017 |
I just wanted to take a minute to thank you all so much for
taking the time to read this, for following me and for sharing with me. I gain
such inspiration from the amazing people I get to interact with on social media
and without you all I wouldn’t be who I am today. Its also helped me connect with some amazing women I now consider friends, which I think is truly incredible.So, thank you.
